25.

20.5.1

I moved my hand slowly
over the faux-leather arm rest
just to feel something.
I was still alive.

I couldn't see
and
couldn't feel anything
except the leather arm rest.

(She hugged me quickly
and ran away when
I left,,,,,,,,,was she afraid
I would kiss her?

The white bearded man,
as I fumbled teary-eyed
to scrape together
the cost for the road, asked:

"You have snow tires?"
"I wouldn't be surprised
if ya didn't make it
through the mountains")

I thought about freezing to death.
For those last seconds,
I'm sure its like being underwater,
like somethings surely holding you.

I wanted to die,
just to be held
for once.
Oh, my faith.

I thought back to when she said,
is it okay if i say 'iloveyou'.
I wished the world was different.
wished it was all blue.

And when I said all those
bullshit things to her
and tried to make her cry
because i needed that.

And those tens of minutes or so
when the world was all blue
because we were competing to see
who could look at eachothers eyes longer.

I thought about how I cant believe you won that
and how I've held you through so many earthquakes
and about how I had never noticed that your nose is kinda crooked
until you told me, and about how I liked you better after that because
I really hate my nose too.

And about how all of those people that care about me say things like
"youre better than her, she was terrible to you, im glad youre over her"
and about how I know you so well and your body so little
and about how sometimes I dreamed about you

and about how when I listen to a song for the first time and have a visceral reaction to it its always because it insomeway brings me back to that first moment when you were through the window and I stood sheepishly, unknowingly with my feet in the grass praying that some day I would know you a little better and how if my then-self had seen some of the moments we would have together over our stay he would have maybe layed down right there in the grass and professed his faith in god, and about how stupid that would have been because all of those tender moments would have been for nothing, really, because she would never realize that what she talks about looking for has been right in front of her ever since I walked inside, that night in September after wiping my feet at the door.

i somehow made it home that day in march,
dont know how,
dont care how,
dont care about the hows and whys anymore
hopefully someday I will again